


I'll Help You Stand

by americasbucky



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 01:03:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3790807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americasbucky/pseuds/americasbucky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Big guy? That doesn't seem too threatening,” Steve says, eyebrows raised and smirking. Bucky blows his straw paper at him. Steve’s got ice cream on his lip and doesn't seem to notice. Bucky smiles at him from across the booth and with a warm feeling in his chest, thinks to himself, “I’ll always be there. Always.”</p><p>(aka Steve and Bucky's life story, at least in little chunks)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Help You Stand

**Author's Note:**

> I had no beta and I am sorry. Please have a listen to the playlist 8tracks.com/ulrtaviolence/you-re-my-friend  
> made by my beautiful best friend. It was constantly playing while writing this. This one's for you Chey.

James Buchanan Barnes never gets into fights, but when he sees a skinny, blond headed boy getting picked on in an alley, he throws his first punch at seven years old. He makes sure those kids know to never even look at the boy again and helps him up.

“I was doin’ just fine on my own,” he says, even though his nose is bleeding, and his shirt is torn. He picks up all his papers that have been strewn around their feet. “But thanks, I guess. I’m Steve. Steve Rogers.”

“James, but you can call me Bucky. Bucky Barnes."

He insists that he walks Steve home, and once he’s made sure his Ma knows what happened, he goes to his house thinking, “We’re gonna be great pals.”

\- 

“What the _fuck_ do you think you’re doing?” Bucky’s fuming as he rounds the corner and sees some guy who’s twice his size, so about triple Steve’s, beating up his best friend. He’s fourteen and he’s gotten in so many fights he can’t even count, but he is sick and tired of having them. He pulls the guy by his collar and kicks him in the knee and punches him in the nose. “Don’t even think about hurting him again, big guy.”

Steve tries to start it up again, and he has to literally drag him away. “C’mon Buck, lemme at ‘im!”

“No, now stop struggling and walk with me.” This will be the last time he has to do this, he tells himself. “I swear Stevie, if you pick one more fight, I will not help you out of it,” he threatens even though it’s the biggest bullshit he’s ever said.

“Oh.” Steve’s a little put out, because Bucky’s supposed to help him and be by his side no matter what. “Okay.”

“Fine, you know I’ll be there. But please try to hold back, okay punk?”

Steve promises he will with a, “Yeah, yeah. Whatever jerk,” and Bucky wraps his arm around his shoulders, and he takes him to get that root beer float he had saved up for.

“Big guy? That doesn’t seem too threatening,” Steve says, eyebrows raised and smirking. Bucky blows his straw paper at him. Steve’s got ice cream on his lip and doesn’t seem to notice. Bucky smiles at him from across the booth and with a warm feeling in his chest, thinks to himself, “I’ll always be there. Always.”

\- 

“STEVE!” He flat out yells because, what the hell does he think he’s doing? “Get your sick ass back in fucking bed before you die!” Steve’s got pneumonia, and he should be too weak to even lift his arms, but for some unbeknownst reason he’s trying to slide out of bed.

“Gotta feed the cat, Bucky. She’ll starve,” he makes out of his slurred words. He doesn’t make it very far in his attempt to get up, and he’s coughing so hard Bucky thinks maybe this is really the end. He’s not even supposed to be here, but Steve’s had so many close calls Bucky no longer knows whether the next call with be _the call_.

“Steve, you don’t have a cat,” he says pulling him fully back onto the mattress. He wraps him back up in the blankets and gets in next to him. Steve’s burning up, and it’s scaring the shit out of him. He pulls him close enough that he can hear his shallow breathing and faint heartbeat.

He feels a nudge and hears a weak, “Window,” and looks over. There’s a fucking cat sitting there. Steve Rogers could very well die right this minute and he’s worried about some stray neighborhood cat. Bucky can’t believe it.

Or really, he can, because Steve’s heart could quite literally be made of gold. He laughs, and he’s smiling at him, and he’s got that feeling he gets every time he’s with him. It makes him warm and happy, even though he’s still terrified for Steve’s life. He tells him not to worry about the cat, they’ll get her some food tomorrow, and he’s drifting off as it hits him.

He’s sixteen and he thinks to himself, “Fuck. I’m in love with him.”

\- 

He still feels like shit, but he can think clearly. And right now his thoughts are centered on Bucky and his arms holding him too tight and how he can't breathe because his face is smushed into Bucky's chest. And he fucking loves it. He hates how much he does seeing as, well, he's just skinny, sickly little Steve and there's no way _Bucky Barnes _could ever love him too. He lays there for a couple more minutes before shoving him awake.__

"Bucky, hey Bucky. C'mon, would'ya get off? You're suffocating me." 

\- 

Bucky’s sitting on the steps to their apartment eating when a dog runs by and then comes back. It sits just a few feet away from him. Usually he doesn’t really pay attention to stray animals, but this one makes him get up and go over to it. _It _is a_ she_, and her ribs are showing so badly he thinks she could fall apart any minute. He tries luring her back to the steps with him so he can feed her the scraps he has left from his lunch. He names her Lucy and already feels a strong attachment to her.

\- 

Bucky may be expressive, but the girls he takes out can never see through his perfectly crafted front that says he's completely into them. Tonight it’s his birthday. He's out with Lillian, and he got her to bring her friend Marie for Steve. They're out dancing, but he can see Steve standing by himself in the corner of the room. He's suddenly very bitter towards Marie. He can feel it surging through his veins how much he wishes they could see everything that Steve is. 

"Hey Bucky, you okay?" He tries to say yes, he's great because he's with the most beautiful girl he's seen around, but she seems like a real good person and he suddenly doesn't want to lead her on anymore. 

"Actually, I'm feeling a little rough. I think I'll just grab Steve and go," he kisses her cheek and wishes her a good night thinking he's pathetic for still loving someone who doesn't love him back. 

He finally get’s Steve to leave with him after incessant, “No, I’m fine. Go have fun, it’s your birthday,” and Bucky assuring him, “Nah, I wasn’t having all that good a time. I’d rather be at home with you.”

They walk back to their little apartment with Bucky telling Steve that Marie didn't know what she was missing.  

"It's okay Buck, don't worry about it. She didn't seem too nice anyway."  

"Next time I promise to find you a real good partner, okay?"  

"Yeah, okay. Let's just go home." 

And Bucky hates himself for it, but he's almost thankful that they’re never fond of Steve because it means more for him. He’s selfish and might be going to hell for it, but it’s true. He gets to go home with Steve every night, cook him whatever he can manage, and just have him without having to share. Though he never gets him in the way he wishes, it’s enough.

"Okay Stevie," he knocks their shoulders together. "How 'bout we stay in tomorrow, or maybe we can go eat under a tree. Uh, I mean like a picnic or something,” he stutters and turns pink for having done so. Bucky hardly ever loses his way with words, and when he does it’s always around Steve.

“Eat under a tree, huh? I don’t know, isn’t that a little like something you’d do for some cute girl?” Steve’s completely joking, but he still blushes, and Bucky’s face gets even hotter.

Bucky thinks, “I wish it was like that.” He says, “In your dreams, punk.”

Steve thinks, “Yeah, always in my dreams.”

\- 

“Bucky! I’m fine!” Steve cut his foot on a can top he dropped when trying to make them tomato soup to go with the grilled cheeses he’d managed to make, and Bucky’s making a huge deal out of it. Admittedly, it is still winter which leaves Steve more prone to infections, so he has a point.

“Just shut the fuck up Steve,” he’s furious and pouring alcohol on the gash. It's bleeding heavily, and he's freaking out because _what if it doesn't stop and he bleeds out what if he gets an infection and dies oh my God oh my God ohmyGod_ , but at least he found some gauze. He dries Steve's foot and wraps it up the best he can. "You're a fucking idiot, and you need to be more careful."  

Steve crosses his arms and says, "I can take care of myself, Bucky," with firmness in his voice. 

Bucky's anger diminishes, and he's solely filled with love. He puts his hands on Steve's shoulders and says, "Yeah pal, I know you can. I just can't keep myself from worrying. I'll stop smothering you so much."  

"Yeah, you better fuck off jerk," Steve says lightheartedly and shakes his hands off. He feels a little disappointed, because the thing is, he kind of loves being looked after and worried about when it's coming from Bucky. Of course he doesn’t think it would be wise for him to know that, so he acts like he's tired of it. “Thanks though. I gotta finish the soup,” he tries to get down from the stool, but he’s suddenly being carried.

“I’ll stop smothering you right after this,” Bucky says as he puts Steve onto his bed. “Do not move from this spot. I will be back with soup and sandwiches.” He’s in the kitchen before he can be yelled at. He does what needs to be done with the food, finds two bowls to pour the soup in, and carefully goes back into Steve’s room. They eat in silence with Steve brooding and Bucky feeling bad but also thinking maybe he’ll learn this time.

“You weren’t supposed to have to make your own birthday dinner. You weren’t supposed to have had to leave dancing. You weren’t supposed to have to do anything for me on your birthday. I’m sorry I ruined it,” Steve says, and Bucky thinks he might cry.

He turns Steve toward him, says, “Listen to me Stevie. You did anything but ruin it, okay? You made the sandwiches, which were delicious, and you’ve been doing things for me all day. Don’t think that accidentally hurting yourself has put all of that to shame,” and pulls him in for a hug.

Later, after they’ve talked about plans for tomorrow, and the two girls Bucky’s found them for another day (they both fake enthusiasm over them), and Steve’s apologized again and again because apparently he just can’t stop feeling guilty, Bucky goes back to his room for the night. He’s almost asleep when he hears coughing, and he’s going to get up when there are footsteps, but suddenly Steve is standing over him.

“Can I sleep in here? I mean, it’s fucking freezing,” he asks, and he’s shivering so bad Bucky thinks he’s going to shake right out of his skin.

He pretends he’s half asleep and scoots over with a mumbled, “Whatever,” and feels the bed dip as Steve climbs in next to him. He feels like ice, and Bucky throws his arm around him. His inner monolog consists of, “Check his temperature, make sure he’s not going to die, keep him warm,” but he doesn’t feel too hot so he just pulls him closer. He’s drifting off again when he thinks, “I love taking care of you.”

And shit. He thinks he might have maybe said that out loud. Okay, he knows he said it out loud. Steve doesn’t move or say anything, so he breathes out the breath he didn’t know he was holding and sleeps.

(Steve heard him say it, but he thinks he imagined it. He’s probably coming down with pneumonia again, and it’s messing up his mind. No big deal.)

\- 

Bucky wakes up to the sun shining in through the only window in the apartment, which happens to be right beside his bed. He’s almost back to sleep when he remembers the promise he made to Steve. He feels a rush of excitement and just a little bit of anxiety, and then he practically leaps from the bed to go to wake Steve up.

Steve’s got one arm hanging off the bed, and his mouth wide open. Bucky laughs under his breath before shaking him awake. “Steve, Stevie, c’mon and get up would’ya?”

He shifts and pulls his arm up over his eyes and mumbles, “Leave me alone, asshole,” while attempting to kick Bucky off the bed.

Bucky scoops him up and carries him to the couch, which is accompanied by protests that are kind of halfhearted. “No can do, kid. We’re going out to the park for a picnic today. It’s been two weeks since your cold, you’re well enough, don’t ya think?”

“I don’t know, I think I’m feeling feverish. Maybe a little dizzy. We should definitely stay in just in case,” Steve says and fake coughs.

“Bullshit, now go get ready, or you don’t even wanna know what’ll come your way, Rogers,” Bucky threatens, but he’s smiling. They both know his threats never have any real promise to them.

Steve pouts. “Seriously though, Bucky. Can’t we just eat inside? We could move the furniture and put a blanket down. There’s no need to go all the way out to the park when we can do it right here.”

“You know, you’re such a pain. I try to plan a nice day outside, and you want to eat _inside_?!” Bucky puts his hands on his hips with fake frustration. Steve gives him those God awful puppy dog eyes that would have made him give in even if he wasn’t already planning on it. “Fine, whatever you want, it’s probably too cold for you anyway. Just help me clear space lazy bones.”

They move their little coffee table and chairs just far enough that they can fit their comfiest blanket down. Bucky gets the food from the old refrigerator and grabs a couple of plates. Steve’s sitting cross legged with his sketchbook in his lap.

“Nope, put it away. We are _eating_ , Steve. You can draw after,” Bucky says, setting down the food and taking the book out of his hands. “We have some potato salad and pasta noodles that I’ve managed to get my hands on. It’s surely a meal to remember.” He puts some on the plates for both of them. 

Steve sighs and takes it, but he makes sure to let him know he’s not happy about it. “You shouldn’t even be taking another day off.”

“Hey! Boss says it’s my last sick day, but you know he’ll give me more,” Bucky says around a mouth full of pasta. “Don’t worry about, okay? Just enjoy it.”

Steve mutters what sounds like, “Jerk, don’t waste your days on me,” though he’s grateful that he is. It feels good to know that’s what he wants to do, not go out with girls, but practically force him into spending time together.

“What’re you thinking about?” Bucky asks when he’s been quiet for too long.

“Nothing,” Steve mumbles, but he gets a disapproving look and knows he’s not getting away with that answer. “Just, thanks for doing this. Thanks for a lot of things,” he says with his head down.

Bucky feels every cell in his body light up with a happy kind of sad. He lifts Steve’s head so he has to look him in the eye. “You don’t have to thank me. Besides, where else would I want to be?” It’s nice feeling appreciated, but that’s not what he does it for.

After they’ve finished eating, Steve tries to get Bucky to go to work because, “There’s no need for you to waste your day here,” but he refuses. They clean up and move the furniture back in its place.

The rest of the day consists of them hanging out doing nothing, but every moment is cherished by both. Bucky reads a book he was given, and Steve discreetly uses him as a model for his drawing. He thinks he’s being discreet anyway.

“You know you could just ask,” Bucky says without looking up from his page. Steve almost falls off his stool. “Be careful, I was just sayin’.

He’s completely embarrassed, and closes his sketch book immediately. “Sorry, it’s um, I like it when it’s natural. Like, not forced, um. Sorry,” he trips over his words and it just makes Bucky laugh.

“It’s okay, really, I get it.”

Steve takes several deep breaths before saying, “I’m gonna go for a walk.” He puts on his coat and shoes, and he is walking out the door when there’s an arm in front of him preventing him from doing so. “Bucky, what are you doing?”

“I’m coming with you, obviously,” he says, wrapping a scarf around Steve. “I haven’t been out all day, Stevie! Let a man live a little!” He shoves his shoulder and goes out the door. Staying in hadn’t actually been bothering him, he’s just afraid something will happen, like Steve will suddenly get really sick or have an asthma attack out in the cold.

They wander for a while, down streets they’ve walked a thousand times. There aren’t that many people out, maybe a few couples here and there. It’s starting to get dark when Steve feels brave all of a sudden; ready to take a risk. He’s about to reach for Bucky’s hand, when he says, “Okay, I’ve had enough of this for tonight. Let’s head back in, yeah?”

Steve agrees. His self-deprecating mind is telling him Bucky said that because he knew what he was going to do, and he didn’t want it because who would want _him_ holding their hand? Who would ever want him period? There’s nothing good to offer. He doesn’t think he’ll ever try it again. 

When they get home, Bucky goes directly to his room. He saved up enough money in his secret “Special things for Steve” fund a couple days ago to buy them some hot cocoa powder. Steve’s in bed when he brings in two mugs. He tries being mad at him for wasting money, but it’s so good. It makes him feel warm, and he relishes that. He doesn’t feel warm all that often.

Steve falls asleep after finishing his drink, and Bucky takes his mug to the kitchen. He comes back in and leans against the door frame for few minutes before deciding to lay with him. He tells himself, “It’s cold. I can see him shaking from here. He’ll appreciate it,” and gets in the bed. He goes to sleep thinking this was one of the best days he’s had in a while.

\- 

Bucky’s walking home from a date when he hears Steve’s stupid voice yell, “Come on! Is that all you got?”

He takes a moment to breath, because he’d hoped he would never hear that string of words from him again. Last time he did, Steve had two black eyes, and he could hardly move for a week. He follows the sound of punches to an alley.

The guy who’s beating him up gives Bucky a once over and runs. Apparently he looks so pissed it’s frightening. He extends his hand out to Steve, who’s pulling himself up off of the ground. He pushes it away.

“You know I don’t always need your help,” Steve says. He sounds convincing put he’s got a busted eyebrow, a bloody mouth, and a nasty bruise forming on his cheekbone. Bucky rolls his eyes and puts his arm around his shoulders. He’s also walking with a slight limp.

“Yeah, you say that, but here we are once again,” he snaps. He feels guilty immediately, and he apologizes before Steve can start getting angry. “Fine, I know. You really expect me to stand by and watch you get hurt, though? Because that’s never gonna happen.” He gets an elbow in the stomach as a response, but Steve’s smiling slightly so he knows it’s okay.

When they get home, Bucky orders him to sit on the couch and not to move until he comes back. He grabs a washcloth and the last bandage they have from the kitchen. Steve’s has his head lying against the arm rest, and he’s trying to keep his eyes open.

Bucky smiles a little; sleepy Steve always pulls on his heart strings. He sits on his knees and says, “Hey Stevie, I gotta fix you up, but you can go to sleep.”

He sits up, shaking his head. “No, I’m good.” He rubs his eyes and Bucky feels like the sun is rising inside of him. He wipes the blood off his lips and his eyebrow and puts the bandage over the cut. He gets off the floor and pulls Steve off the couch.

“Okay, you’re done. Go to sleep.”

They go to their bedrooms, but Steve pauses at his door frame and calls, “Bucky?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

They both go to sleep with smiles on their faces. 

-

When Bucky gets his orders, he cries. Suddenly it’s hitting him harder than it has before.

He’s thinking, “Steve, Steve, Steve,” and isn’t sure if he’ll be able to survive without him. And by that he means it going both ways. Steve will get sick and die or get the shit beat out of him in another fight. Meanwhile Bucky will be killing people left and right, and he won’t be able to fucking handle it without Steve there with him, and why the hell did he enlist in the first place?

Oh yeah, because he wants to make the fucker he’s so worried about proud of him. Which he guesses will make it all worth it. At least he hopes it will.

\- 

After Bucky’s left, off to fucking war, he keeps thinking about that hug. All he wants is for it not to be their last and that he really did take all the stupid with him.

\- 

The problem with being a super serum enhanced man is that all your feelings are amplified too. Meaning it makes it a hundred times harder to ignore those that he has towards Bucky. He misses him, and he loves him, and he just fucking wants to be out there with him. But he tries his best to push them away.

Instead he focuses on Peggy. She’s beautiful and smart, and he thinks he might actually have a chance this time. That is, if he sees her again. He’s been doing this performing thing for too long, he thinks, and needs to be on the battlefield fighting.

He’s just done a speech for the guys, which went terrible, and he’s drawing when Peggy is coming up behind him. He’s surprised, but is thinking maybe it means something that she’s here. Until she tells him more than half of the 107th men didn’t come back.

All he’s concerned about is _Bucky shit is Bucky okay please God let him be okay_ , and when Colonel Phillips says his name sounds familiar he has to go on a rescue mission. If not for Bucky, it’s for all the other soldiers.

\- 

He’s searching everywhere and finally goes into a room and there he is, mumbling numbers. His heart breaks and leaps and does a million other things all at once.

\- 

“So Heaven is real. It’s fucking beautiful,” Bucky thinks to himself because there’s Steve standing over him. He’s finally dead. Finally.

Except no, he’s not. He’s alive, and Steve is actually here, and _what the hell happened to him he’s huge_. He can barely walk, but they get out of that room, and suddenly everything is exploding, there’s a guy with a red face, the bridge to get across has been removed, and the beam he uses to get across breaks leaving Steve having to jump. Getting out is difficult, but they finally do it. 

The whole way back he’s thinking, “I still love him,” and swears to himself that he’s just going to tell him, because who knows if he’ll make it out alive next time around. When they get to base, all of Steve’s attention is focused on a beautiful woman that is doing the same thing, and he wants to travel back in time to when no girl would even bat an eyelash at him.

He makes himself stop thinking like that, tells himself this is good for Steve, and makes himself be happy. Underneath all the hurt, he really is. Stevie’s finally got someone to love, and someone to love him, and he knows that’s the only thing that matters.

Knowing doesn’t stop the sting he still gets. He doesn’t think anything ever will.

\- 

It’s a good thing his heart can take a lot more now, because with all the fucking hurt he has he’d probably have died from heartache long ago. Steve makes himself bury his love for Bucky, bury it so deep he will forget it was ever there, and he lets himself love Peggy even if he’s not too good at doing so.

He still doesn’t understand how to do the whole romance thing, but he puts a picture of her in his compass and hopes everything works out.

\- 

Bucky knows he’s going to fall. The train’s going too fast, and Steve’s trying to reach him but just can’t make it far enough. He feels himself slipping, and suddenly he regrets never having told him everything he’s ever felt for him. He’s not ready to die. He can’t die now. He ca-

He’s falling and he thinks to himself, “It’s too late, but I love you,” before he hits the snow.

\- 

Steve hates himself. He thinks there are so many bad things about him already, but this is absolutely the worst. He hates himself, and he just wants to get fucking drunk. He wants to forget everything. But he can’t, and Peggy’s there consoling him. He tries to focus on loving her as much as he can.

\- 

He has to put it down, and he has to do it right now. He makes promises to Peggy he knows he can’t follow through on, and puts his compass out. He’s talking to her and looking at her, but the last thing he thinks is, “Maybe I’ll be with Bucky now.”

\- 

He sees himself being dragged through the snow. He feels numb but also hurts like hell. He goes in and out of consciousness. (One minute he’s being carried; it goes black and he’s in some kind of room; black again.) The last time he wakes up they’re doing something to his arm. Both of his hands are if front of his face except one isn’t really his hand. It’s made of metal, it can’t be his. He’s looking at several men, and one is that God awful doctor who tortured him weeks ago. Zola tells him he’s going to be the new face of Hydra.

Bucky punches him and everyone else he can get to before one of two things happens first: he either realizes he’s got a fucking metal arm when he should be dead and goes into shock, or they sedate him.

He vaguely remembers being put into a box that is so cold it burns before blacking out again.

\- 

They take him out and strap him onto a chair. He has no idea how long it’s been. They put something on his head and force a rag into his mouth. He thinks he knows what’s going to happen, so he tries to fight them, tries to fight it. He keeps telling himself stories about blue eyes and blond hair and _you gotta get out of here to protect him_ and reminds himself that part isn’t exactly true anymore, but he still needs to be with him and just _Steve Steve SteveSteveSteve_ until he can’t fight anything anymore. They turn on the machine, his vision goes white, and he hears screaming in the distance until he realizes it was his although he no longer knows who he is anymore.

\- 

His mission today is to take out a lady and her two sons. He’s already shot the mother and has his gun trained on the older boy that has come running to her side when he sees the other one. He is a skinny little thing with blondish hair, and the Winter Soldier (that’s what he’s been told he is called) is taken back for a moment. There’s a second where he thinks, “I know him, he is familiar,” and it’s not just from the photographs he was shown. He wants to stop the mission, to protect the boy, but it fades as soon as it came, and he shoots them both.

Later at the safe house, he remembers what he thought. When he tells the doctor about it, he wipes and freezes him again.

\- 

This time he has to kill a governor and his daughter. His finger is on the trigger, perfect shot, when he notices the shield on the girl’s t-shirt. He’s heard talk about Captain America and his famous shield in passing or from the Hydra agents watching him, but it’s never really triggered anything. Today he freezes and sees images of a man in a spangled suit at war, and there’s the strangest feeling in his chest. The only things he ever really feels are _I succeeded_ and _I failed_ (although the second one rarely happens), but this is like his heart is being squeezed, and he hates it. He pushes it away and fires.

He is distracted back at base, and they force him to tell what happened. They do what they always do when he steps out of line.

If the Winter Soldier gets more senses of remembrance, or an odd feeling that’s something like he’s choking, no one knows about it. He’ll get wiped soon enough.

\- 

That man on the roof, he was half like someone the Winter Soldier knew, but he lets it go and doesn’t think about it again.

\- 

“Bucky,” he keeps repeating to himself. He envisions the man saying it over and over. He can’t make it go away, the sense that it means something; that the man means something. He has that feeling he gets sometimes, remembers he had the same feeling on the roof, and it just won’t stop. _The man on the bridge the man on the bridge themanonthebridge_ doesn’t end until Pierce makes him speak.

He knew him, he definitely knew him. He can’t stand it; it kind of hurts a little bit. He wants to go back to the man and find out everything there is to know.

Of course this will not happen. He is wiped and frozen once again, and he almost takes it willingly just so he can forget about it all.

\- 

Steve’s not sure what to do.

What he does know is that was Bucky out there fighting him, it was Bucky who tried to kill Fury. It’s Bucky who he’s been in love with since he was seven and didn’t even know what love was. It’s the Bucky who looked after him for years, even when Steve probably didn’t deserve it. Bucky who offered to get a place with him despite the strain on money. It’s Bucky who is the Winter Soldier, and now Steve knows what he has to do; save him.

\- 

He’s on the plane, and his mission is begging him to stop.

Obviously he isn’t going to, so he punches and shoots and shoots again. But the man succeeds on _his_ mission, and the aircraft is falling apart. A metal arch pins the Winter Soldier down, and he can’t get out. He knows he has failed, but then the man is lifting it so he can pull himself from underneath it. He continues his task.

The man won’t stop saying he knows him, and now he’s not even fighting. The Winter Soldier just keeps punching. He says it again; punch. He tells him a name that can’t be his; punch. He tells him he’s his friend and he thinks, “I CAN’T KNOW YOU I CAN’T KNOW YOU,” because he’s his _mission_ , nothing more; punch, punch, punch. He tells him to finish it, and something about the end of the line; pu-

Hell. He knows him. He knows him and thinks he feels tears in his eyes. He’s staring in complete horror as he watches the man he _knows_ fall and fall and fall down into the water. He dives off the plane without a second thought and pulls him out. He waits for him to breathe, and then he leaves. He’s not sure where he’s going, but the name Bucky and the man never leave his mind.

\- 

He’s been on the run for a few months now. After seeing that exhibit, James (that’s what it had said, he is James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky, Steve Roger’s best friend since childhood) had to leave. It was all too much too soon, and he couldn’t take it.

The name James has grown a little on him. He thinks maybe he can identify with the name James. It can remind him that maybe this is real and there is a purpose for him not having died from that fall other than to be a killing machine. He’s not ready for Bucky yet. That has a lot of meaning behind it, with too much emotion and too many memories he can’t remember.

At the same time the name James doesn’t feel quite right. It’s almost the perfect fit, but a little too tight around the arms or maybe too loose at the waist. There isn’t enough substance to the name James, and while he doesn’t think he has any, sometimes he needs it.

He sticks with it anyway, because he’s recently realized that he’s being followed. He’s being followed by Steve and being followed by Steve makes James thinks that’s all the substance and emotion he can handle at the moment.

He soon notices that the man whose wing he broke is with him.

\- 

There’s a weird feeling in his chest again. It’s not the same he usually gets when he sees Steve, this is something new. Half of it is like he is being filled with mental (that is edging onto physical) uneasiness towards Sam (he’s done his research by now, and admittedly a little eavesdropping), and the other is like his heart is swelling three times its size.

He’s honestly surprised he’s even capable of having this many different emotions, and occasionally he kind of wishes he couldn’t. It’s a little confusing at times, and he’s not used to it. He hopes he will be.

\- 

Each minute it’s like everything Steve ever felt for Bucky is coming back and hitting him three times as hard. They’ve been searching for months on end and it feels like a millennium. He tells himself he has to keep going, not to give up because that just can’t happen. Bucky’s out there somewhere and Steve will not let him be alone.

But there are times when he thinks he is never going to find him. These days Sam notices something is off, more off than is expected anyway, and he usually keeps to himself. Until Steve tells him they should probably just go back home, but thanks for trying. He thinks there are tears in his eyes.

Sam also thinks he knows why, thinks he knows why they’ve come this far to start with. “Listen Steve, I have to ask okay? Did you love him?”

There’s a moment of silence before he says, “Yeah. Yeah I did.” He chuckles but it sounds pained. “Still do. I always will.”

And Sam vows to himself that they will not go home. Not until they get Steve’s God damn love of his life back.

\- 

James is trying to sleep when suddenly he’s sitting on a couch with one of his arms wrapped around a tiny Steve (who’s wrapped in all the blankets they have with a cough that sounds like his ribs are breaking). The other is holding a book he’s reading out loud. He knows Steve’s probably either asleep or too sick to be bothered to actually pay attention, but he keeps going though the words aren’t making any sense to him. His thoughts are more focused on whether Steve will make it through the night.

A dog barks and it brings James back to where he’s actually sitting. He gets those a lot, little flashbacks of the past and who he used to be. Some are more helpful than others.

\- 

Steve is getting closer and closer to finding him each day, but he doesn’t want to be found yet. He isn’t _ready_ yet. He stays on the run and in hiding, but never too far and never too good; just because he’s not willing to be found doesn’t mean he wants Steve to stop looking.

\- 

Eventually he’s staring at himself in a shop window, and he thinks to himself, “James Barnes, you are ready to become Bucky again.”

(He knows he was lying to himself. He is nowhere near being ready to be Bucky again, nowhere near being even half Bucky. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be there. But he figures he has to try; he has to try for Steve. Because what he _is_ finally ready for, is to be found.)

\- 

It’s been five months and twenty-seven days when Steve sees Bucky sitting outside from his hotel window. The first thing that comes to mind is, “Holy fucking shit I found him.” The second thing is, “No, he found me,” because they lock eyes for a couple seconds and then Bucky is walking away. Steve opens the window and follows him immediately. They end up on a rooftop.

Bucky is sitting down with his legs hanging over the edge, and Steve follows in suit next to him. “Hey Buck,” he says with anxiousness. He doesn’t get a vocal reply, just a little bob of the head. It makes him smile anyway.

They sit there for a while, with Steve asking simple questions that only get shakes and nods for responses. He goes silent, and Bucky is afraid he’s already given up on him.

“Do you want to come back with us… with me?”

He looks at him and says, “Yeah.” Steve smiles so fucking big.

Bucky’s face feels weird, and he isn’t sure what his mouth is doing, but he is full on smiling right back. He hasn’t done that in so long, and he thinks to himself, “I can never let go of you. Not again.” (It surprises him, the intensity at which he feels that need to keep a hold on Steve, but he accepts it and follows him back to the hotel room.)

\- 

Sam is surprised to see Steve come in with Bucky. He isn’t complaining. It’s the most pleasant surprise he’s ever gotten. They both look happy, though there is some obvious anxiety coming from them. He figures it’s to be expected, of course it is, you don’t just recover from something like that immediately.

Steve gives him a little smile as he gestures for Bucky to go ahead into the bedroom. “I know. I’m having trouble believing it too.”

“Tell me all about it later. For now, go get your boy some fresh clothes, would you?” Sam laughs at the way blush spreads over Steve’s cheeks and hopes things will go up from here.

\- 

Bucky’s sitting on the bed looking more uncomfortable than Steve’s hoped for, but he guesses he can’t expect him to feel instantly at home. He offers him some sweats and a t-shirt from his bag and gestures towards a door. “You can shower in here, if you’d like I mean.”

“Thanks,” Bucky says taking the clothes and going into the bathroom. The handles confuse him for a minute, but he figures it out. The hot water feels good against his skin; he hasn’t had this in too long. Once he’s finished, Steve gives him a warm bowl of oatmeal with a glass of water.

They don’t say much, just quiet eating with the occasional, “You okay?” and the answering, “Fine.” Steve tells him to take the bedroom when he’s done, and he’ll be on the couch if he needs him.

Bucky’s sleep isn’t peaceful; he can’t find comfort on the bed. When he can, he dreams of blood. Blood on his hands, blood dripping from Steve’s mouth, blood pouring from wounds he knows he made, and it wakes him (and Steve) up with screams. They both wish it would stop.

In the morning, they have more oatmeal for breakfast before Steve packs his things up and they all leave.

\- 

Before they left, Sam helped Steve pick out a new apartment and furnish it. He goes for Brooklyn, because he thinks maybe it’ll help Bucky remember things. Maybe make him more comfortable. It’s roomy, with two bedrooms and two bathrooms. He figures he’ll need to give him all the space he can without having separate apartments. Unless he wants a separate apartment. They planned for that, actually. They have watch on several places that are right around Steve’s area.

When they get there, after a long ride that wasn’t exactly pleasant for any of them (nothing dangerous happened, they’re just all on edge; no one knows how this is going to work out), Sam tells them goodbye and whispers good luck to Steve, to call if he needs to.

Bucky’s nervous, but he lets himself be guided into a place that smells like pine cones. It sparks a memory, a small one, but it makes him laugh.

“I remember,” he starts and that already has Steve holding his breath, “I remember that you used to keep pine cones everywhere. You’d bring them home when you found them on the streets, right? You love the smell of them.”

Steve tries not to cry. “Yeah, Bucky. I did.”

\- 

Bucky’s standing in the bathroom becoming more frustrated by the minute.

He knows how to kill so well he could do it buried in the ground, yet he cannot for the life of him figure out how to shave. He understands the basics of it, then there’s this puffy white stuff he thinks he remembers but has confused him to no end. While he’s pretty sure you just press the razor against your face and move it down, it snaps every single time he tries.

After the fifth razor, Steve thinks maybe he should stop secretly watching and offer the man some help. He takes that leap and says, “Hey Buck, you want me to help you with that?”

And Bucky just kind of goes over every possible outcome of this and Steve’s motives; he could try to attack, there might be some accidental injuries, etc. He decides he has to start getting comfortable with people somehow, and Steve is the perfect place to start. (And he really, _really_ just needs a shave.)

So he turns around and holds out a razor. Steve tries to keep in his smile and takes it. He’s teaching him how to do it, and he’s reminded of a time when they were younger when Bucky was the one helping him, though he didn’t actually need it.

Steve looks him in the eye to see that he’s already staring at him. The smile he gives is not returned. He tries not to let the disappointment show.

(What he doesn’t know is that Bucky doesn’t smile because also got the same memory. Except for him it wasn’t all that great. Sometimes they hurt too much, and he shuts off all his emotions. He’s become very good at that by now.)

\- 

Bucky remembers things about the war, about taking girls to pictures and dancing, saving money to buy things for Steve, killing people mercilessly left and right as the Winter Soldier. Some memories make him feel good, others he questions whether or not he should really be there and not dead.

\- 

Natasha comes to visit a couple months after they get back. She’s still iffy about Bucky, but Steve’s told her time and time again that he’s perfectly safe and not to worry. She’s pretty sure he’d say that no matter what, that even if he was actually a danger to him he’d still try to keep him safe and let him stay in his home.

She prepares herself for meeting him, again. Bucky does the same thing. He’s heard stories from Steve about her, but he has some vague memories of her for himself. Memories that make him feel extremely guilty.

Trying not to be too standoffish (Steve has promised to hurt her if she’s anything but perfectly sweet to him), she says hello as politely as she can, and he starts apologizing for hurting her. He can’t meet her eye. All her suspicions about him being a bad decision fly out the window. That’s real guilt, and she knows he doesn’t need any more of it than he already has.

Bucky let’s himself like her. He tries to make all that guilt go away, telling himself that he wouldn’t have done it if it was _him_ , which it wasn’t. (He uses this method a lot; sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.)

They end up having a lot in common and become good friends. Steve feels content.

\- 

Sam’s always nice to Bucky. Not too nice, of course, just enough to make him feel like he’s welcome there. He makes sure to never talk about him like he isn’t capable of doing things by himself (because he is), and he saves him one of his pears every morning (because he knows they are his favorite).

Bucky doesn’t exactly feel the same way. He’s still kind of not all too fond of him, because of reasons he still can put his tongue on, but he tries not to be too cold towards him. Until one day he’s almost had too much and trying to keep his cool.

Sam notices, and Steve just happens to leave the room. “It’s okay to cry sometimes. I can’t imagine how hard it is, but it’s okay to break down. That’s what keeps us human.”

Bucky wants to protest, say he’s probably not considered human anymore, but Sam squeezes his shoulder and says, “Trust me.” He feels tears swell up in his eyes. Maybe he can still be human.

From then on Bucky is nice to Sam all the time, without having to force it. He even starts to consider him a good friend. It turns out they both like golf, it’s news to Steve too, and it soon becomes their thing. They watch it every time it comes on, and they’ve recently bought all of the Master’s DVDs. They treat them like they are something sacred; they’re kept in a safely guarded box at Sam’s place and watched almost religiously every weekend.

Steve’s never been to one of their “movie” nights, as they call them. But it’s been a few weeks since they started happening and he’s decided he would like to find out why they like the sport so much. (He would also like to be with Bucky.)

Technically, he wasn’t invited. He kinda has to sneak in from the window. He thinks it’s a great plan; sneak in, watch the DVD quietly in the background without either of them noticing, sneak back out when it’s over.

What he has forgotten is that both of them are trained soldiers, and one of them could probably knock him out while he sleeps. He’s also clumsy as hell when it comes to things like being near Bucky. He slips climbing in, and while he automatically rolls and there isn’t much sound, they both turn around immediately.

“What the fuck does Captain America’s stupid ass think he’s trying to break into my apartment for?” Sam asks incredulously.

“Well, I um, um,” Steve stutters and blushes as Sam breaks out into laughter. He looks at Bucky, who’s smirking like he knows just exactly why he’s there.

After Sam’s finished laughing, he says, “Steve, you could have just asked to come.”

He shrugs, knowing he didn’t ask because he doesn’t want Bucky to feel like he’s suffocating him. But he hears a, “Yeah, punk,” and feels like a thousand stars are exploding inside of him. He’ll ask from now on.

\- 

The memory of finding a dog sticks with him for days. He finally decides to tell Steve he wants one. His reaction is not exactly what Bucky was hoping for, which was to be driven to the pet store immediately because he’s given what he wants most of the time.

“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea, Buck. Do you really want to keep up with a puppy? I mean, they’re a lot of work and I just don’t know if this is something we should do,” Steve rambles on but Bucky’s thinking the real reason he’s not on board is because he doesn’t think he’s safe enough.

“You know, I’m not gonna hurt it. I’m not gonna fucking murder my dog, okay? I know I slip up sometimes, but I’m just…” his voice fades. “Please, I need this.”

Steve looks thoughtful with a pinch of pity, which makes Bucky’s stomach twist. “Okay. I’ll talk to Sam; see if he knows any shelters we can go to.”

Later he hears him talking on the phone. “I don’t know… Are you sure this is safe? I trust him with me, but he still wakes up breaking something sometimes. I just don’t want him to have to go through anything that he doesn’t need.”

Bucky knows he’s right; he probably doesn’t meet the “pet owner” standards. He’ll tell Steve in the morning he doesn’t need a dog. But then there’s a knock on the door and he’s being told that there’s this place just a few blocks away they can go to tomorrow along with all the ground rules about adopting.

It’ll sleep with Steve for now, just in case, and they have to walk it every day. He has to make sure it’s always got food and water and given a bath at least twice a week. Teeth brushing is also a priority. (Steve’s done a lot of reading up on dog care the last couple of hours.)

“Sam says it could be good for you. I’m trusting him,” and Bucky’s trusting him too.

The next day they walk down to the shelter. Steve points out every dog that doesn’t bark with a, “I think this is definitely the one,” but it never is. They’ve looked at almost every single dog in the shelter before there’s an instant connection between a little Pomeranian and Bucky. Steve fills out all the paper work and they take her home. She’s named Lucy.

\- 

It’s 1:00 AM, and Steve and Bucky are sitting on the couch watching Golden Girls, because they both agree it’s their favorite show. They also don’t get all that much sleep. While it’s been the better part of a year, Bucky still sometimes wakes up screaming, and though Steve’s mostly gotten over _his_ nightmares he’s always worried about Bucky’s.

Of course Steve’s known he’s still in love with him, even if he isn’t the same as before and doesn’t quite remember everything, but Bucky’s still been trying to figure out that feeling he has. His thoughts shift from the T.V. to a memory of laying in bed with a sick Steve and thinking he’s dying and worrying about a fucking stray cat. He also thinks he’s in love with him. Then he’s falling asleep, in the memory and in real life, when it really hits him.

He loves him! That’s what he’s been feeling the entire time! It’s what he felt when he was just a boy taking Steve on picnics and watching him paint, what he felt when he was at war, and what a tiny, tiny, _tiny_ , part of him felt even when he was a weapon of Hydra. He’s loved him all this time, and he’s completely shocked but kind of feels like he should have figured it out sooner.

The next obvious obstacle is, _Were we a thing? Does he love me too?_ , and he’s racking his brain for the answer when he’s standing with soldiers all around, and the only thing Steve’s looking at is a beautiful woman (Peggy, he knows she’s Peggy), and that gives him his answer.

It hurts, like someone is crushing his heart and pulling it out his throat, but sometimes Tony makes these little snarky remarks, and Bucky thinks he was implying that there is something more than friends going on between them. He figures he has to find out.

So it’s 1:00 AM, and they are sitting on the couch watching Golden Girls, and Bucky just fucking pulls Steve over to him and kisses him. He kisses him, and Steve freezes.

He pulls back and he’s thinking, “Shit I messed everything up,” at the same time Steve’s connecting the dots and realizing that Bucky loves him right back. He kisses him again and Bucky is so relieved, they are both so incredibly relieved and so, so happy.

From that moment on they really only need one bed, because they both sleep in Steve’s room now. Sometimes they’ll sleep in Bucky’s room, but eventually they decide they like the other one better. Then begins the process of turning it into a guest room for whenever Natasha comes to visit.

(“Looks like you finally got a date, huh?” She says to Steve when she finally finds out about them.)

\- 

As they’re going to sleep one night, Bucky says, “You know I always loved you, loved you the second I saw you getting beat up and not backing down even though you were such a small kid. Didn't realize what it was ‘till I was sixteen and scared of people’s words so I kept it to myself.”

Steve is silent for a few minutes, and Bucky thinks maybe he fell asleep and didn't even hear him. But really he’s just processing it all, and he’s so pissed for Bucky never telling him, for all those years. Then again, “Me too jerk, but I was skinny and sick and how could big and handsome Bucky Barnes every love me?”

Bucky smiles a little and says, “Looks like I wasn't taking all the stupid with me then, huh punk?” He rolls over and pulls Steve as close to him as he can. They’re both happier than they've ever been, and it feels so good.

“Yeah, okay. Whatever,” Steve says and smiles at him like he’s the only thing in the world that has even the potential to make him feel this way.

Bucky (he knows this is him, he knows 100% now that is his name, he is without a doubt James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky, because there is no way he could makes this all up, it can’t be fake because it’s all too amazing) has gone through so much, and has lived for so long, and he thinks to himself, “Steve Rogers, I love you.” 

_-fin_

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so listen. I started this story in July 2014 based off late night headcanons from my friend (the girl who made the playlist) and me, and here I am, posting it in April 2015. I'm such a lazy little shit. I really hope this made sense because I kind of gave up on re-reading it to make sure it was okay. I just wanted to post the fucker. Hit me up at americasbucky.tumblr.com. I love you.


End file.
